Directed By - David Fincher
Directed By - Daniel Barnz
BEASTLY
Starring - Vanessa Hudgens, Alex Pettyfer, Peter Krause & Mary Kate Olsen
Date Vanessa's Heart Closes - March 18th, 2011.
Get ready for the most vomit-inducing trailer since "Alvin And The Chipmunks."
Clear your desk of paperwork and any office supplies that might melt if spattered with digestive juices. Enjoy.
Directed By - Scott Stewart
PRIEST
Starring - Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q & Karl Urban
Date Forgiveness Required - January 14th, 2011.
Directed By - Brian Pulido
THE GRAVES
Starring - Clare Grant, Jillian Murray & Tony Todd
Mistakenly Exhumed - January 29th, 2010
Directed By - Mike Newell
Prince Of Persia - The Sands Of Time
Starring - Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley & Alfred Molina
Getting In Your Eyes - May 28th, 2010
Directed By - Scott Stewart
LEGION
Starring - Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson & Adrianne Palicki
Fall From Grace - January 22nd, 2010
Directed By - Olatunde Osunsanmi
THE FOURTH KIND
Starring - Milla Jovovich, Elias Koteas, Will Patton & Corey Johnson
Going Nowhere - November 6th, 2009
Directed By - Sylvester Stallone
THE EXPENDABLES
Starring - Sylvester Stallone, Jason Stratham, Dolph Lundgren & Eric Roberts
Expending On - August 13th, 2010
Directed By - Tim Allen
CRAZY ON THE OUTSIDE
Starring - Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Jeanne Tripplehorn & Julie Brown
Released Into Society - January 8th, 2010
Directed By - Mira Nair
AMELIA
Starring - Hilary Swank, Richard Gere & Ewan McGregor
Vanished From Theaters - Late November, 2009 (Exact Date Unknown)
During an attempt to circumnavigate the globe, Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean, on July 2nd, 1937. Over seventy years later, we can clearly see that her ass had been missing for an unknown amount of time prior to that fatal flight.
Amelia's rigid, unnatural posture suggests the onset of rigor mortis. Two-time Oscar winner, Hilary Swank, who is known and respected for taking things too far, accepted the role on the condition that she be allowed to portray Earhart as dead throughout the film.
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Elevation
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Exactly how are they getting that kid out the window? Or are they planning on taking him out in liquid form through the radiator?
These are definitely not the same aliens that helped me when I locked my keys in my Honda Civic.
"There Are Four Kinds Of Alien Encounters. The Fourth Kind Is Abduction."
I'm not sure I'd describe "abduction" as "an encounter." It's a little like referring to a gun fatality as "the day a bullet happened by."
If Kurt Cobain had been a Seattle-based, sword-wielding, manically-depressed, yet musical Persian, I'd say that Gyllenhaal had the look nailed. The only conclusion I can draw is that a shortage of good Persian actors forced Disney to accept a white box-office star for the role.
Racial juggling (or ruggling) is common in the movie business. In the past, white actors have had to play everything from Japanese to Native American. Some call this practice racist, but it's actually due to a deficit of ethnic talent caused by internment and mass genocide.
That mag takes fifteen rounds, but may have been adapted to hold love, grace, forgiveness or some other spiritual crap instead of standard 9mm hollow points.
We're awaiting word from the manufacturer.
In the past, the Archangel Michael went into battle armed only with the Word of God. I'm guessing Sony's marketing department discovered that 12 to 17 year olds have no idea who God is or how his word can be used in a combat situation. On the other hand, the power of the Heckler & Koch MP5 K is well recognized and something many kids have already been exposed to at school.
Judging by Sigourney Weaver's face, the props people have invented a
form of glass that takes 30 years off anyone standing behind it.
Even if the film tanks, I think the glass will be a huge commercial success.
I was quite moved when I realized that Tim Allen is actually trying to prevent his fellow actors from being in "another crap Tim Allen movie." And he's directing it.
Robin Williams has never been been this selfless.
When the title of a comedy comes in the form of a rubber stamp, it's a kind of guarantee the movie will suck ass. Remember "Accepted" or "Next Day Air"?
Neither do I.
The only known exception to this rule is "Top Secret" (1984).
What the fuck is up with Stallone's lip?
"The Expendables" was shot in South America, so it's possible he was stung by a giant, agitated, jungle hornet, but if this had happened I'm sure I would have read about it on the internet.
It could be steroids, but why would anyone inject and work out only their lower lip?
The flesh on the top half of his face seems to be rejecting the flesh on the bottom half. Why would it wait all these years?
I'd love to hear from anyone in the medical or veterinary field with a theory.
This image was scrutinized at countless marketing meetings and has probably been through Photoshop a few times.
Imagine what the original lip looked like.
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If you've ever wondered why distributors use different posters overseas,
take a look at this one-sheet for "The Graves."
The average American catching a glimpse of this
fly-encrusted, head-turner knows the price of
a ticket will buy them 90 minutes of beautiful
teens pouting, whining, screwing and
then being hacked to pieces.
In Third World countries, most people
will assume this young woman has just
"finished a really good meal" and expect a
movie along the lines of "Julia & Julia." When they
discover they're watching a low-budget knock-off of
"The Hills Have Eyes" they may riot, or worst, demand a refund.
IMBD Plot Summary": "A priest disobeys church law to track down the vampires that kidnapped his niece.
Given recent revelations, I'd say there's a 60-70% chance she'll suffer less abuse if she refuses assistance and remains with the vampires.
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Having a huge red cross tattooed on your face is one of those things foster agencies look for. It's a dead giveaway you're "out of your fucking mind" and will probably perform poorly in a parenting role.
Bettany's best shot at retaining custody of his niece will be to claim he is of Maori descent.
Love is not only ugly; it's scarred, deformed, eyebrow-less, a tad femme and a major Cure fan.
I'm not saying these two couldn't be together, but it would require a solid plan, a large amount of duct tape and a warehouse rented under a false name.
Directed By - Nanette Burstein
GOING THE DISTANCE
Starring - Drew Barrymore, Justin Long & Christina Applegate
Falling Short - August 27th, 2010
"A Comedy About Meeting Each Other Halfway" - What a great tagline.
Who can't relate to the give and take needed to make a relationship work?
So... why is he carrying her?
If he's really a Mac, shouldn't everything just work?
Still... in a shaky relationship wouldn't be nice to be with a guy you knew couldn't get viruses?
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
Starring - Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig, Stellan Skarsgard & Robin Wright.
Date Book Or Subtitles No Longer Need To Be Read - December 21st, 2011.
Although an early design, it's clear Sony Pictures believe their core audience will be consumers aged 20-30 who shop at American Apparel.
The infamous "Dragon Tattoo" is cleverly hidden in this teaser poster.
No matter how hard I stare at Rooney Mara, I can't imagine it, yet I still find myself drawn to the image over and over again.
Strange that a character habitually wary of men, has allowed a man to stand behind her in a position he's famous for assuming right before he breaks someone's neck.
