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“No Problem Mac” Wins Design Award For No Reason

by HalfMan HalfMovie on December 17, 2011

Among this morning’s tidal wave of free iPad offers, pleas for assistance moving millions and Russian offers to help me maintain an erection I discovered an email with incredibly exciting news. My small company “No Problem Mac” had won the 2011 Los Angeles Website Design and Development Award.

I was surprised and humbled to be singled out for this distinction. Surprised, because No Problem Mac does not design websites and humbled, because I had been given the award for doing absolutely nothing. These kinds of honors are almost always reserved for political figures.

The award comes from the U.S. Commerce Association, although they deny any knowledge of either the email or my company . The USCA has a well-earned reputation for integrity and accuracy. I’m guessing the message may have been sent a little early and they’d like to avoid embarrassment over this minor faux-pas.

In a visionary move into the digital age , an afternoon of speeches, lunch with the mayor, and a press conference has been replaced by a simple hyperlink - http://losangeles.usca-f.com/ABB-T98-76ZZ and a twelve digit Award Code.

As you can see from the photo, the award is not only beautiful; it has managed to capture the very essence of the web design process. The oval, injection-moulded plastic crystal has been engraved in a manner giving the uncanny effect that the lettering has been added by a designer new to Photoshop and lacking any concept of perspective. We all began this incredible journey knowing absolutely nothing.

After following the hyperlink and entering the Award Code, my computer froze and began displaying random pornographic images. This bizarre slideshow is still in progress even though I plugged the computer out over an hour ago.
I’ve seen this kind of activity on many of the office computers that I service. In a strange way, this may be how our expressionless electronic helpers register excitement. My own machine appears utterly overjoyed that I’ve won the award.

I’ve booked the largest banquet room at the Beverly Hills Hilton to celebrate this incredible moment in my life. I’m hoping family members and friends will join me for a night of drinking, dining and dancing. I’ll keep you informed and let you know the date. The award should arrive in the mail within ten business days.

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Little Steps Alone…

by HalfMan HalfMovie on September 20, 2011

First attempt to tackle codependency among pre-schoolers.

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Flesh-Eating Bacteria Tied To Use Of Skin Scream

by HalfMan HalfMovie on September 15, 2011

MSNBC – Flesh-Eating Bacteria’s Rise Tied To Antibiotic Cream

Japanese researchers have discovered that several over-the-counter anti-biotic skin creams may actually accelerate the spread of the MRSA flesh-eating virus.

MRSA or methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus is usually fatal as the virus rapidly strips flesh from the human body leaving the interior organs and skeletal structure visible and susceptible to injury.

Aware of the commercial impact of their findings the researchers declined to mention a specific brand of cream, preferring to simply state that all brands were potentially lethal.

Dell Cameron, President of the Skin Ointment & Fragrance Association (S.O.F.A) challenged the findings stating that the research was “biased” and “irresponsible.”

“If you have MRSA you could rub motor oil into your skin and you’re still going to die from MRSA,” said Cameron. “Why not warn us about Shell lubricants?”

In fact, publication of the findings have already been delayed for several years as the Japanese government feared the information might ”impact the production of something.”

Some have questioned the ethics behind the study as the research project required MRSA test subjects to hasten their own deaths by judiciously applying ointment to their entire bodies.

“We didn’t know it would work,” said Doctor Hsoi Otaka. “It was only when they started dying in such large numbers that we knew we’d hit the jackpot. Holy cow. Very sad moment for all of us. Terrific.”

No comment was available from the MRSA Patient Welfare Association as their Media Relations Officer, Sandra Kenning died last Thursday after a tenure of over three weeks.

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Exciting Stone Tool Find in Kenya

by HalfMan HalfMovie on September 7, 2011

BBC – Exciting Stone Tool Find In Kenya

Analysts raised prospects for Kenya’s economic growth today after archeologists announced the discovery of an ancient stone tool near Lake Turkana.

Early reports state the stone is thousands of years old, but appears in good working order. Anthropologists said the tool may have been used for hunting, skinning or as a weapon.

“A strong, pointy thing like this would give a man a distinct military advantage against an enemy who was holding nothing,” said Professor Scott Campbell. “Even today this trend holds true.”

Economists speculate that the rock could revitalize Kenya’s manufacturing sector. Plans have been put forward to use the stone in the manufacture of cars, ski-lifts and light aircraft. Although these luxury goods have never been produced in Kenya, it’s believed the stone will give the country an economic advantage over competitors like China and Japan who remain reliant on complex, expensive technology.

There are rumors that several technology companies have offered vast sums of money for the stone and that one of these is seriously being considered. Although no names have been mentioned, tech blogs across the web are betting that Apple’s next iPhone may resemble a certain ancient, hand-held tool.

Older politicians remain silent. Many remember the accident in Nairobi over thirty years ago when a nuclear power facility was built using a two-thousand year old sea shell thought to be a tool, but later discovered to be part of a necklace; a mistake that cost several hundred lives and irradiated a large part of the country.

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Colonel Gaddafi – Your Show’s Been Cancelled

by HalfMan HalfMovie on August 27, 2011

After 46 years of rule it’s time to surrender, scream at a Libyan court and be tweeted from an iPhone as you swing at the end of a rope. I know it’s hard to believe, Colonel. Who’d have thought “Melrose Place” would have a final episode, either?

As this blog is read extensively in Libya, here’s a description of the wanted man for those of you on the ground:

Dresses like an Arab version of Michael Jackson. It’s easy to distinguish between the two as Gaddafi cannot dance and, as of 5:00pm Pacific Time, he is not dead.
Has an extensive hat collection.
Face gives the impression he may be a late-stage meth addict.
May be carrying an unpaid invoice from an African placement agency for thousands of mercenaries.
Has the word “Condalisa” tattooed on his inner right thigh.
As he’s put in chains Gaddafi will be the only prisoner shouting “This is my moment of triumph.”
Has allowed his Netflix subscription to lapse over the last month.

(Photograph © The Price Is Right – 1984)

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Don’t Drive Angry

by HalfMan HalfMovie on August 14, 2011

Looks like the best use of a hammer since The Passion Of The Christ – Click to enjoy - Drive

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Cyber-Fugitive Hunt Ends In Confusion

by HalfMan HalfMovie on August 11, 2011

BBC – US Man Charged Over Facebook Spam Turns Himself In

Super-spammer Mark Gates finally surrendered to police in Leesburg, Florida yesterday, after a year long pursuit, but the capture came with an unexpected twist.

At the same time Gates was turning himself over to police in Florida, he was also surrendering to police in California, Arizona, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Texas, Utah, Tennessee and forty other states including Hawaii.

After the first arrests, the Department Of Justice held a news conference, but their statements only added to the confusion. “We have him,” said US Attorney General, Jeff Vise. “And this office will vigorously prosecute all of them.”

By early afternoon, thousands of Mark Gates began to flood police and sheriff’s station across the country. All claimed they wished to surrender.

In some states, crowds were so thick that police stations disappeared from view and law enforcement effectively vanished from the streets.

Gates was interviewed by news crews across the country and he uniformly denied that he had any association with spamming or that spam had made him a multi-millionaire.

“I don’t even own a computer,” said Mark Gates. “All these men that look exactly like me have told me the same thing. It appears the police are not equipped to handle a situation like this. It’s a disgrace.”

Attorneys at the Department of Justice admitted that prosecuting tens of thousands of individuals would place an enormous burden on the system.

“Norton and McAfee have offered to help,” said DOJ Public Prosecutor, Paul Hall. “Out of the frying pan in to the fire. Those guys cost a fortune and they’ll still drain the system of resources.”

“Use the F.B.I,” added fellow Public Prosecutor, Ed Mullin. “Interview every one of these guys. Anyone that speaks Russian, offers free sex or asks you to help them transfer money out of Nigeria gets eliminated. You do that. You’ll find Gates.”

One police officer in Leesburg who wished to remain anonymous said the general feeling among officers in his squad was a mixture of anger and depression as they realized “the case had finally come to a close, with absolutely no end in sight.”

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Plastic Heart Gives Dad New Life

by HalfMan HalfMovie on August 5, 2011

BBC – Plastic Heart Gives Dad New Life

A 40 year old father has been given a second chance at life after undergoing a pioneering, plastic heart transplant. After seven hours of surgery doctors said the $60 plastic heart was in place and functioning correctly.

“My chest hurts,” said patient, Peter Brown. “But it’s brilliant not to be dead.”

The “Ticky-Wicky” is manufactured by toymaker Mattel. Better known for Barbie and Hot Wheels, no-one expected a move into the medical technology market with such an aggressive pricing policy. The company claim to have substantially reduced manufacturing costs due to design and supplier choices.

“All the hearts are made in China where workers have absolutely no rights and may be pulled off the assembly line and killed at any time,” said Mattel CEO Ron Thompson. “This manufacturing model provides unique advantages over Western techniques that rely on wages and a healthy workforce to drive production.”

Standard heart transplant units use expensive miniature lithium cells for power, but the “Ticky-Wicky” relies on an older, simpler and ultimately cheaper technique.

“It’s clockwork,” said Mattel P.R. Executive, Sam Harper. “The surgeons wind it up before they drop it into the chest cavity. If your doctors got strong hands you’ve got a good shot at an extra two or three weeks of life.”

Several members of the American Medical Association have spoken out against the Mattel heart calling the “Ticky-Wicky” “cardiovascular tupperware” and “something unfit for even a low-income child.”

The toy company believe this criticism is largely driven by competitors and that their critics are misinformed.

“Every single medical device requires maintenance. As long as you get to a hospital as the mechanism slows down, doctors can open you up and rewind it.” said Harper. “I have clockwork toys from my childhood that are still running”

Although Mattel would not comment, insiders say the company is working on a “Ticky-Wicky 2″ that may be wound, without surgery, through the use of a large brass key.

“They’re brilliant, aren’t they” said Peter Brown. “I mean… Aren’t these the people that brought us ‘Operation’.”