Marathon Man Dr. Christian Szell
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Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
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The advice and opinions expressed by Dr. Szell are wholly his own and do not reflect the views of
This website neither endorses, approves or tests any of the tips that Dr. Szell provides.

Readers are advised that Dr. Szell is highly knowledgeable, but is a wanted war-criminal and notorious sadist who cannot be trusted.

Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look
Because Things Happen That Require A Closer Look

Your children are bombarded day after day with images of earthquakes, floods, famine and war. The world was once an innocent place. Now it's a dangerous, violent, radioactive, waterlogged, debris-strewn, shit-hole.

So what
do you do when your child asks "Is it safe?"

With Dr. Christian Szell

Slap your child's face repeatedly as you break the news of a disaster. A recent study showed 98% of children exposed to this technique could not remember anything they were told after a ten to fifteen minute conversation.

Seal your child in a deep freezer. They can be thawed out when they've reached puberty and are no long willing to talk to you anyway.

Explain the disaster to your child without using nouns. Blame their confusion on hearing loss caused by listening to non-Christian rock music.

Leave your child on the interstate. After you abandon them remember to immediately exit the carpool lane. Without a second passenger, you're risking an expensive fine.
During rush hour your child will completely forget their fear of large-scale disasters.

Plop your youngsters down in front of the latest You Tube earthquake or tsunami footage and promise them a shiny, new nickel for every victim they can spot.
Watch their fears magically disappear as they scramble to count the dead.
A word of caution. With tragedies where there's been a massive loss of human life you may want to set a payout limit for each child.

Explain to your child that the "bad things' are happening far, far away and they are in absolutely no danger. This is more difficult to pull off if you happen to live in a disaster zone, but may still work with learning-disabled or very young children.

Watch the news with your kids. Point out that the screaming, fleeing victims all have one thing in common. They're not Americans.
Reassure them that no large scale disaster could ever happen in a rich, humane superpower like the U.S.A.

As TV reports flood in about a disaster, engage your spouse in a violent dispute.
Most children tend to focus on their parents during a domestic battery incident.
If you feel you are losing your kids' attention, it may help to single out the weakest child, shriek loudly and blame them for the argument that is about to end Mommy

As disasters occur, starve your child. Clearly link each global event to excruciating hunger. Once this association is established, your child will actively avoid information on the world around them.
It's worth noting that some children generate coping mechanisms so strong that accidental exposure to CNN or Fox News may cause seizures.


Help your children put together care packages for the victims of a disaster. It will help take their mind off the immediate tragedy. Don't worry about the stupid things they include, you'll be throwing the whole thing in the garbage later. Or as you'll call it "Mailing A Package To Haiti."

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